I Found God In India

About two months ago I received a phone call from Ron Davis, Father of the late Jordan Davis whom I never met but feel so close to through activism. He said "Hey I see you are no longer working do you want to take a pilgrimage to India." I said yeah send me the details. Keep in mind I had recently been terminated from my job of six years and was in the midst of redefining my life. I didn't even know what this trip was about but I knew I needed to go. After many emails I was able to skype with the trip facilitator. His name is Mandar Apte' a former petroleum engineer for Shell Oil Company. He quit his job to reinvigorate non violence in America. He figured the best way to do so was to gather people who have been affected by violence, those that work in communities with violence and city leaders from across the world. My delegation included a Prime Minister, an Omsbudsmen, a former gang member, two health equity consultants, a father that lost his son to gun violence, two police officers, a film maker, a mayor and myself "The Hope Dealer". When we first arrived in New Delhi it was "Western" to say the least we were in a five star hotel with a hot shower and a comfortable bed. We went in the city and passed some underdeveloped communities but they could be stomached although sad it wasn't overwhelming. The Delhi air however was thick with smog and polluted. On Day two of our pilgrimage we viewed the documentary From India with Love that Mandar directed which detailed the first delegation from the United States to India. In this delegation was a mother of one of the Sandy Hook elementary victims Jessie. He was six years old when he was gunned down in his first grade classroom. One thing that stuck out the most for me was the statement "If Sandy Hook was not enough to change gun control in America then nothing will!!!" In that moment I knew she was right. We focus so much on the issues in society but not the people with the issues and what caused them!!! I was told on this journey we would meditate daily and learn breathing techniques that would help us with our emotions and rid us of negative thinking and negative behaviors and rather than reacting we would learn to respond. For years my friend Yolanda has attempted to get me to meditate and I declined. Had I tried it I think some of my life's happenings would have had better outcomes. I am sure by now you are wondering what the hell does meditation have to do with violence in America? Well let's imagine if everyone in the world was self aware, that even in the worst circumstances we could all just breathe. That rather allowing people and things anger us we stop and take breaths and go into silence and respond. What if everyone thought positively instead of negatively? What if we truly love our neighbors as we love ourselves? Perhaps we could then begin to see less violence in our communities because we would see others as we see ourselves. In 1959 Dr. King traveled to India to follow in Mahatma Gandhi's steps, he stayed for five weeks. This was shortly after the Montgomery Bus Boycott ended which lasted over one year. He used Gandhi's non violent techniques and well you know the rest is history. On day three of our pilgrimage we arrived late evening to Parmath Niketan an ashram where thousands travel to on spiritual journeys. When my roommate and I entered room #363 we were met with surprise. There were three beds made of wooden tables and a thin mat with thin coverings. There was no central heat or A/C, hot water, television, phone or internet. It was just us, our fears and God! We literally cried and complained all night! I am not proud of my reaction just being honest in my writings to you. It was freezing and honestly we refused to lay under the covers so we layered on our clothes and finally fell asleep from exhaustion! We complained so much that Ron decided he was going to get us a hotel room. The next day I began to reflect on the hundreds of barefoot children we passed in route to the ashram, the women and men doing hard labor simply to live and how they bowed their heads to greet us with a smile. Almost immediately I became disgusted with myself and Lakesha and I decided we could not leave the ashram. Surely God did not bring us this far to get a comfy hotel. You see you can't appreciate a room with a ceiling to keep out the cold air until you have slept a night in a room without one. Everyday we met and learned to meditate taking deep victory breaths in and out for an hour and shared our experiences. Ron opened up and shared that he had not forgiven the man that robbed him of Jordan and we all became emotional. Mayor Brede opened up and shared about his wife Judy that they'd been together for fifty five years and she was now in a nursing home with dementia. This ten day trip was the longest they had ever been apart from one another. He runs the city of Rochester, Minneapolis and wakes up every morning to have breakfast with his beloved Judy at the nursing home. He spoke so highly of Judy that I want to meet her. This was a pure, genuine display of love and we all felt closer to him because of it. For me this journey has been transforming. I flew for twenty four hours alone to another country. I faced many of my fears, traveling alone being one and walking past dogs being the other! (I have a serious dog phobia) When we walked down the streets of Rishikesh it was four or five dogs for every foot I walked or at least that's what it seemed. It came to a point where I couldn't run, I couldn't scream or panic I just had to walk past them. I gave Indian food a try which is big for me because I am a chicken tender kind of girl and I gave this breathing thing a shot. Many people see me on social media and I appear polished and professional and for the most part I am but I am also a mess inside. I get easily agitated, I am disorganized, I am always late and yes I get angry but now after experiencing God through people I won't be perfect but this journey has put things in perspective for me. I met people who have NOTHING but peace and they found that peace through God! Not from a house, a car, a man or woman but through God! They found God through loving themselves, serving others and removing themselves from the world as we know it. I learned this world will have you chasing a fasaad of happiness through people and things! When in reality none of those things really matter. God sees us for our hearts and that's where he resides. Our degrees don't matter or any of the things we seek fulfillment in yet how we love ourselves and others by making the world a better place! I plan on making a paramount difference in Jacksonville, Florida through love and service! Now that I think about it I didn't find God in India, India found God in me!!!!! In turn I am bringing my journey to you and hopefully you can join me on this journey as well. Namaste' THE HOPE DEALER

Sexuality and The Church

For years I have been dealing Hope to those who are a product of the broken criminal justice system or to those within it. I receive many messages and comments on social media postings that my words inspire others. I have decided that every week I will blog about a topic that I feel could help others. The beauty about hope is that it is universal, we can all stand to have a little. It is the cousin of faith and with it anything is possible. I want to put a disclaimer out there that the following blog isn't backed by scripture this is solely spoken from someone who has dealt with being a Christian and homosexuality. That said please don't throw at me what you've been taught or told. Thank you in advance. For anonymity we will call the subject of this posting "Jane". In the wake of same sex marriages being recognized across the country with the recent Supreme Court Ruling in June. Homosexuality is being more accepted and tolerated nationwide in every institution except the church. We are told early on that we will pay for our sins. This notion alone leaves a lot of people who love God in fear of being themselves in order to avoid condemnation. "Jane" has been a very active member of the church. She has battled with the issue of wanting to be happy vs. being accepted by the church and her family. Eventually she had to go to counseling because she was so unsure of herself. She says "It takes a person from the outside to tell you about yourself". Her counselor asked her "Do you think the sin is not being honest with yourself"? In the church we are taught that living a homosexual lifestyle is a sin. The black church especially and those within it are not accepting of this lifestyle. From a non biblical standpoint as a case manager I see young people battling depression, suicide and unhappiness in exchange for being accepted by those they love rather than being happy being themselves. For Jane this caused her to overeat. She would find herself in relationships with men where she was being used. I asked her if she could give advice to those who may be going through similar circumstances, to parents who may not be accepting and to the church. Below are her responses..... To those dealing with this issue: When you put God at the forefront you see him in all that you do. For me he has been graceful and merciful. Be honest with yourself! Trust your judgement and live it out! Advice to Parents: You've done your part as a mother or father. What makes an individual unique is once they make a decision to be who they are you can't be depressed or take blame you have to accept them. To the Church: LOVE CONQUERS ALL! Until Next Time P.S. Never Give Up Hope.............

25 years to Life

In 2011 I wrote Thornton Brunson the man responsible for killing a close family friend and neighbor Marcel. (read entire story in P.S. Give Up Hope: Advice from Youthful Offenders to Young America.) I was deathly afraid to reach out to him as odd as it seems because I correspond, speak and have met with others charged with convicted of murder. He was different because this hit close to home the crime he was convicted of actually affected my family as well. The victim was a close family friend we knew him and his family. I used to play outside with his sister. I was even more afraid when I received a response because I didn't know what to expect. I remember rushing to get the mail and when I opened it a sense of relief came over me. He dated the letter in arabic writing and immediately agreed to share his story with me to save others from making the same mistake. At the time I was just a young woman with an idea to write a book. I had no publisher, no real plan for making it happen it was just an idea. We continued to correspond for the next year in which I learned a great deal about his life, the man he has become and how he has spent the last 25 years in prison. He began to tell me how male egoism, the crack era, his parents divorcing and the killing of his cousin sent him on a downward spiral with negative behaviors. He had began to use cocaine as it was portrayed in movies such as Scarface. Just like most teenaged boys growing up in the crack era he wanted the material benefits of being a dope boy. He tried obtaining a job but was unsuccessful so the streets hired him. It wasn't long before the very streets that hired him took his life away. Once in jail it all happened so fast. He was arrested, indicted, charged as an adult with second degree murder. He and his mother were threatened with the death penalty (a tactic often used in our courts to initimidate defendants to take a plea) so to avoid that Thornton pled guilty in exchange for a sentence of 25 years to life at the age of 17. Within 6 months of the incident occuring he was sentenced and sent to prison! Let me explain what 25 years to life means. In 1984 parole in the state of Florida was abolished. Persons sentenced from 1984 to 1994 were still parole eligible so Thornton falls into this category. There are over 100,000 people residing in Florida prisons and less than 10% of them are parole eligible. Today judges hand out the sentences of 25 to life but it means nothing until changes are made legislatively. In Florida whatever sentence you receive you must serve 85% of it. On yesterday February 25th Thornton had his presumptive parole release hearing which is the initial hearing for the Parole Comission to determine a release date. The hearings begin at 9 a.m., Thornton's case wasn't heard until around 12 noon. Each side both victims and the prisoners family gets 10 minutes to explain why they suppport or oppose the prisoner being released. Long story short his parents, his parole specialist Ms. Thompson and myself went to the front in support of his release and for 10 minutes laid out his accomplishments and involvement with the youth while he has been incarcerated. In my work I deal with teenagers many of whom come from broken homes and backgrounds. By night when I put on my hypothetical superwoman cape and transform into a voice for the forgotten and a youth advocate again am dealing with young people who have absoultely no hope for tomorrow. They can't begin to focus on their tomorrow because today has so many obstacles. Thats generally how children think they are impulsive when making decisions and think about consequences later. The choices they make are emotionally driven. These choices however are often irrepairable and when brought to the courts they aren't given a chance to redeem themselves. Can you imagine making a mistake as an adolescent and paying for it in exchange for your entire life? Think about missing prom, graduations, weddings, having children, obtaining a driving license, the opportunity to vote, and in some cases dying in prison without ever having lived. Can you imagine being 17 and told because you had a moment of weakness and poor decision making that you will go to prison and ultimately die there? Noone ever ponders that some people actually change and can potentially become productive citizens. When I met Thornton I knew nothing about the State of Florida and its parole process I have since learned a great deal about not only parole but the prisoners I correspond with. You see with each year I see changes in their behaviors and personality. As time goes on the young man or woman that I wrote 5 years ago is different. The conversation changes from who they were to who they are then eventually who they want to be. Prison does not magically change a person. There are free people who are in prison (you will catch that later) It is up to the individual to make changes within themselves. The Commission recommended a presumptive release date of January 6, 2020 which will be nearly 30 years since he fired the fatal shot when he was 17 years old. In situations as such there really no win for either party involved. No matter the outcome Marcel's family suffered a great loss in which can never be repaid. Although freedom will be granted to Mr. Brunson he will reenter a cold world that alienates convicted felons. Yesterday for me was awkward and overwhelming emotionally to have been in the same room with the family I once lived next to and be at the table advocating for the release of the man responsible for their son's death. Forgiveness is a hard concept to apply to our own lives but is easily asked for when we ourselves make mistakes. Daily we make them and ask God to forgive us but when others forsake us we want them to pay the ultimate cost. When I began this journey of standing in the gap of those behind barbed wire fences and those that have the power to make changes for them I never imagined that one day one of them would come home after being written off so long ago. I am hopeful as this for me is a step in the right direction on the road to redemption for so many others. P.S. Never Give Up Hope- Renata THE HOPE DEALER

In Memory of Eric Garner.........If I was a poet

If I was a poet, I'd come up with some lines that rhymed. to fully describe how I feel, I only need a few moments if you will. You see the police are supposed to protect us , not beat us to death. And when I die I don't want to fight saying "I can't breathe with my last breath." It's 2014 and black men can't walk down the street, eat skittles, play loud music or simply exist. If they do white men and police officers will say they're a threat or trying to resist. If I was a poet I'd gather everybody and say let's do something, you know rally or protest like Martin Luther King. But nah it won't work because too many people are focused on self and have taken their eyes off the dream... If I was a poet I'd go to every hood and tell every kid there is more than life to this... That we can get so much more accomplished if we love rather than hate eachother. If I was a poet I would remind every shooter that the victim has a mother. If I was a poet I would ask everybody not to forget their loved ones in a cell. It's hard not getting visitors, phone calls or mail. If I was a poet I would tell all my followers not to give up!!! I know the road ahead is tough. Am I the only one sick or hearing the news of Grand Park shootings, Marissa Alexander still not free, and Eric Garner dead at the hands of the police? If I was a poet I'd say enough is enough! but I'm not a poet, I'm just a realist that writes..... So click like and tell your friends to visit www.renatahannans.com

Something to think about by Thornton Brunson

Making wise and well thoughtout choices is the single most important ability that you have. I say this because whether you weigh your options or not, you have to live with the consequences. I call it the domino effect(Thought, Action, Consequences). For example, If you think about embracing the life style of a thug or goon. Understand that its a self defeating and self destructive action. The unavoidable consequence is stupidity. Just look around, most have either died without having lived or like myself been sent to prison to serve long sentences. Almost everything that happens to you and every choice you make is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. You cannot out perform your level of self esteem, you cannot draw to yourself more than you believe you're worth, and without question the things you believe and say about yourself come back to you in many ways. Get self motivated this comes from self knowledge. Inspire yourself by believing you have the power to accomplish everything you set out to do. I often hear about the struggle, you know what the struggle is? It's the decision never to tire of doing what is best, good & right. I give no thing power over me.....but God Truly Thornton

My Biggest Regret By Jonathan Eddie Hartley

Here is an excerpt from a letter I received from Eddie months ago and it inspired me so much and gave me the much needed fuel to continue to press forward and fight for not only him but all of the children he represents. I want people to understand that these are children being sent to die in prison with no chance for relief or hope for the future. I believe they should be punished but it should be taken into consideration the age in which they committed the crime and the fact that their brains aren't fully developed. Do they know right from wrong? Of course however it is fact that children act first and think later. How many times have either we ourselves or our children done something that they have been told NOT to do? My grandparents told me of the dangers of sex and I didn't listen and became a teenage parent. I tell my daughter daily to make good choices and to be quiet during class because school is not for socialization yet learning and time and time and again throughout the years she comes home with a sad face or bad behavior report. I threaten her with punishment all the time about keeping her room clean and well lets just say it isn't clean as I type this. Children need constant reinforcement and have to be nurtured and loved. Even sometimes as parents when we do everything right our children will stray away. There are a lot of negative influences out there be it friends, money, drugs, alcohol and sex that can entice young people. As a community we have to pray hard that these influences don't get a hold of them. Once they do oftentimes its too late when we have realized that the consequences are real and have to live with regrets..... Excerpt from Eddie's Letter: "I try to always be positive you know, I wanna learn about business . I wanna learn about my culture and black leaders. I wanna learn about politics. I wanna learn about all the good things in life but I don't have the tools but that doesn't make me quit it makes me want to learn more, so thank you for the Malcolm X book. My biggest regret is making this decision to that landed me in prison and blowing all of my dreams. I was a great basketball and football player I was trying to go somewhere with that but I just made a dumb decision. I beat myself up all the time about it man if I could go back I would have just walked away. I know that's my biggest regret because it weighs heavily on my mind daily. I have learned that one mistake can mess up your whole life. I learned that the actions and decisions that I make don't effect just me but a lot of different people. I also learned its easy to get in trouble but hard as hell to get out. I learned to strive for excellence and be the best I can no matter the situation. I learned to NEVER GIVE UP HOPE (this is when my tears began to fall). I learned a lot and I still got a lot to learn ya know........FREE LIL EDDIE

"Fuck that, turn the music up"

Michael Dunn: "Can you turn the music down, I can't hear myself think." Jordan Davis: "Fuck that, turn the music up" On November 23, 2012 Jordan Davis and three friends were planning to spend their day at the mall "girl shopping" much like any other teen aged boy in America. They decided to stop for gum because Jordan commented they couldn't pick up girls with "stank breath". They pull into the gas station and the driver exits leaving the other three in the vehicle with rap music blasting. Within minutes after exchanging words with Michael Dunn about the volume of the music Jordan was dead. When the police arrived Jordan's best friend was crying uncontrollably and sobbing in shock. For the second time within one year I have endured the pain of turning on the television and watching the report of a white man taking the life of a precious young black male for something as simple as loud music. I watched last summer the horror of a neighborhood watch captain hunt down and kill a teenager because he fit the profile of a "thug". This time around a grown man ensues in an argument with a child and no one will ever know what was said because the music was playing and he took matters into his own hands. I sat in on the testimonies today of law enforcement officers, paramedics, and the young men that occupied the car. The defense is trying to persuade the jury that Jordan and his friends were shielding a weapon and that Jordan was attempting to exit the vehicle. Truth is the windows were broken and could only be controlled by the driver and the doors had the child safety locks enabled. Jordan never exited the vehicle or posed imminent threat or danger to Mr. Dunn. After shooting and ultimately killing Jordan he pulled off as if nothing ever happened. In the words of the political director of the Dream Defenders "America never loved us" We send a message to our young people almost daily that they are worthless. Over and over again we tell our young males that statistically they won't make it because there are more of them in prison than there is in college. They turn on the news and see that the standards are lower on standardized testing for children of color and finally that when you walk in a hoodie or have loud music you will be shot and killed and its okay. I was recently told by an audience of all males that they appreciate my efforts in saving the youth but I have no idea what it is like to be a black man in America. After thinking long and hard I realized that I don't exactly know what it's like to be stopped while walking in my neighborhood and asked "Why are you around here"? They simply answer the officer "I'm on my way to school" and the officer asks can he search him so on the sidewalk while traffic passes he spreads his legs and places his hands behind his head to be searched. Afterwards he is thanked and let go. This is a normal occurrence in the life of a young black male in an urban area. We have conditioned them to think less of themselves because society does it. Even on the popular series Scandal Rowan tells Olivia "You've got to work twice as hard as them to get half of what they've got." This attitude of inferiority is deeply ingrained in the psyche of our young men and it's up to us change it. I've said it before but I'll say it again. Black men I believe in you, you are more than what they say you are! P.S. Never Give Up Hope and Rest in Peace Jordan your death was not in vain. I will forever cherish your memory. God's Love- Renata THE HOPE DEALER